Shock. Terror. Chaos. Louie Anderson.
These are just a few words that sum up last night’s Primetime Emmy Awards.
Due to reasons unknown, the Emmy Awards, originally scheduled for Sunday, September 18th, was pushed ahead two full days.
“We can’t elaborate on why we had to do it, but I wish we didn’t have to. What happened last night was just brutal.” -Shaunessey MacDorgle, Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (ATAS)
With the ceremonies advanced, several celebrity presenters were unable to make it, and the ATAS had their work cut out for them to find suitable replacements for presenters and presentations.
One of the additions was a short segment on Obesity in America, presented by Seth Rogen, to raise awareness of a dire and steadily growing issue in the US.
“I was thrilled to be asked to present at the Emmy’s about this issue. It’s definitely a really scary thing. Believe me, I didn’t think I could drop the weight, but if I can do it, anyone can.” -Seth Rogen
To follow, Work to Win, a local band from Levittown, PA, was slated to play their new song written just for the occasion, “We’re All Big in Some Way.”
“I don’t know how they found us, but who the hell is going to turn up a chance to play at the Emmy’s?” -Work to Win
But as Work to Win was about to take the stage, that’s when disaster struck.
Shaking ensued. Screaming could be heard from outside. A ‘roar’ became louder and louder.
A large tractor trailer bearing the Nabisco branding barreled straight through the main entrance of the Nokia Theater and into the main auditorium.
It made a sharp left turn, causing it to roll over, spilling copious amounts of Nabisco baked goods throughout the theater. Luckily, nobody was immediately injured, however three audience members were taken to area hospitals after becoming nauseous from indulging in a number of ‘free treats.’
The crowd was in a raging panic. People were screaming and rushing towards the exits. Absolute pandemonium.
“I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I just see this cookie truck speeding down the road and all of a sudden it just slams right through the front of the building. I wasn’t sure to think if it were some freak accident or terrorist attack of some kind.” -Harold Derp, frightened onlooker.
Amongst the chaos, the driver of the truck, comedian Louie Anderson, emerges from the cabin. Visibly angry at something, Mr. Anderson was screaming towards those still remaining on the stage, however his efforts at speaking were for not, as his enormous girth greatly impedes his ability to speak. What was heard instead was incoherent gibberish.
“mrrrgggllbbbbrrrggllldddrrrppplllggrrppplll” -Louie Anderson
Sources say that Mr. Anderson had been in constant ‘begging’ with the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences to make an appearance at the Emmy awards to speak of the Obesity issue, however the ATAS was not interested.
“We literally received phone calls every day from him, it was ridiculous. Who wants to hear from a fat ass that we should all get up and exercise to fight obesity? Besides, he’s not even that funny.” -Bonnie Beaver, ATSA Spokeswoman.
Police quickly subdued the corpulent ‘celebrity’ with five shots of bear tranquilizer, and towed him to the nearest detention center. As the ceremonies were unable to continue, they have been postponed until Sunday, September 25th at the Staples Center. The festivities will begin with Work to Win as that is where today’s events left off.
Formal charges against Mr. Anderson should be known in the coming days.